2022 Quick Daily Posts

[Serinde]

A place for snippets about your day, random observations, the odd recipe... stuff, in other words.

Keep in mind that this is an open forum -- anyone can read it, even if they aren't members.

[richardandtracy]

FIL's back from hospital today. To give an idea of how cooperative he's been, he wouldn't even bend his knees to allow his feet to rest on the foot plates of the wheelchair when I picked him up. I had to bend his legs myself. Things got worse later.

Not a good day.

But I did have the real pleasure of seeing my dad last week for the first time in 2 years. And it was so nice to talk to a sane and sensible elderly person, not one who is determined to spite the world even if it involves doing the thing that is worst for his interests.

Tomorrow we consider looking for a care home for FIL. He cannot survive in his home expecting everyone to provide 24hr care.

Regards

Richard.

[Mabel Figworthy]

Glad to hear you got to see your father, and that that was a real antidote to FIL - cherish him! (Your father, i mean, but I'm sure you got that )

[fccs]

I'm happy FIL is out of the hospital but it's sad and frustrating that he is so difficult. And I'm thrilled that your got to see you dad. I'm sure that was a special time for both of you.

[wendywombat]

Seeing your Dad must have been a real pleasure...Bet you hugged him as well.


As for your FIL, well!! I hope that his home coming fails quickly and residential care can be arranged to give you and Tracy the break you both deserve. That sound Harsh but it's probably the only way for the future, Sorry!


It reminded me of an elderly lady who had come into hospital to give her family some respite (they used to do that years ago!)
The lady was the perfect picture of a 'sweet old lady'. Rosy cheeks, white hair, bright blue eyes.
The reality was the opposite. As her daughter left she warned us to take care as her mother had a nifty trick with her walking stick and had been known to trip or wack passers-by with her walking stick!

[rcperryls]

I am so happy you were able to see your Dad after such a long separation. I'm glad that you had that experience to offset the issues that your FIL has. The reality is that he needs 24 hour care in a place that can provide it.


Carole

[richardandtracy]

4.30 am I was on my way to FIL. He has a catheter, and his bag was full. So, the natural thing to do was phone us to get it emptied. Never having done one before, I learnt on the job. He's around 10-15 minutes drive from us, and I had to get dressed at either end of the trip. Net result I had an unexpected trip out for close to an hour. We fell asleep again, and were woken at 8.30am by both a mobile and landline ringing at the same time. Landline was FIL panicking, mobile a carer trying to get in to see him.. We knew a carer was due at lunchtime, but she'd come at breakfast time, and he refused to let this unknown person in the house. She left before we could talk.

Oh joy...

Lunchtime we went to his place, the carer arrived, but had no more joy than us in getting him to do anything. Not eat, not drink, not wash. His default answer is 'No'. And if he's persuaded to say yes, five minutes later, it's no, no, no, emphasised by table thumps, swearing and a stick being waved.

He's right at the limit of what we can handle. MIL is 2 weeks away from coming home, maybe, and she simply won't be safe if he's there - he's so selfish at the moment he'd work her into the ground and only cry about it afterwards. We are looking for residential care for him tomorrow.

Strangely, we feel very tired and not particularly energised by the end of our break.

Regards

Richard.

[Mabel Figworthy]

Understandably tired, that's what you are. I hope you manage to find somewhere for him, soon, for your own sanity as well as MIL's safety!

[rcperryls]

Understandably tired, that's what you are. I hope you manage to find somewhere for him, soon, for your own sanity as well as MIL's safety!

I don’t know anything about the laws in the UK so it may be difficult to commit someone to a nursing or care home. It can be hard to do here, but your FIL I would think meets the requirement of being dangerous to himself and others MIL Protections for the elderly vary state by state and I know it was difficult years ago I. Illinois, when my grandfather needed to be in a nursing home. He got himself tossed out of two until my father and uncle found somewhere he could tolerate, but he wasn’t nearly as dependent as your FIL, though he was in his 90’s.

My thoughts are with you and Tracy and reminding you that you have to take care of yourselves if you are going to be able to do anything for your MIL, let alone him. There is a point when it is not cruel or selfish to get him into a home, despite his wishes. He is in need of medical care that you are not trained or equipped to manage.

Carole

[richardandtracy]

In the last few weeks in hospital, FIL seems to have become noticeably worse. Can dementia progress noticeably in weeks? His inhibitors to his speech have almost totally disappeared and he is utterly vile in the ways he describes some of his nurses and carers. That is much worse than before he went in. We were already slowly coming to the conclusion he needed to be in residential care before he went in, now we're certain.

We have, in the last 24 hrs mentioned our thoughts to him. The instant and inevitable response is - yep, you've guessed it - 'No' along with a storm of tears, denials that he's unwell followed by a plea 'What am I going to do? I can't do anything.'.

A number of years ago both MIL and FIL drew up a fully notarized and registered 'Enduring power of attorney' for Tracy. We now have those documents in our possession, and this could be the first (reluctant) use of it.

Sorry, I will shut up. I've always subscribed to the idea that a problem shared is a problem doubled, and I really don't want to spread the misery (says he after doing his best to do just that..! Sorry. I fear I don't always follow the irritating homilies I can spout so easily. .). There is a way out, we're just not sure how to get there from here at the moment.

Regards,

Richard.

[fccs]

Richard, never apologize for sharing your trials and tribulations. We're friends beyond just stitching and we're here for you. Venting and sharing are good things.

[Roland]

In the last few weeks in hospital, FIL seems to have become noticeably worse. Can dementia progress noticeably in weeks? His inhibitors to his speech have almost totally disappeared and he is utterly vile in the ways he describes some of his nurses and carers. That is much worse than before he went in. We were already slowly coming to the conclusion he needed to be in residential care before he went in, now we're certain.

We have, in the last 24 hrs mentioned our thoughts to him. The instant and inevitable response is - yep, you've guessed it - 'No' along with a storm of tears, denials that he's unwell followed by a plea 'What am I going to do? I can't do anything.'.

A number of years ago both MIL and FIL drew up a fully notarized and registered 'Enduring power of attorney' for Tracy. We now have those documents in our possession, and this could be the first (reluctant) use of it.

Sorry, I will shut up. I've always subscribed to the idea that a problem shared is a problem doubled, and I really don't want to spread the misery (says he after doing his best to do just that..! Sorry. I fear I don't always follow the irritating homilies I can spout so easily. .). There is a way out, we're just not sure how to get there from here at the moment.

Regards,

Richard.

First, a problem shared is a problem halved, not doubled. I mean the problem remains the same, but it is spread thinner.

My father had a form of dementia, not Alzheimer’s. I’m not sure if they had given an actual diagnosis to your FIL’s dementia or not. But, different forms have different progressions.

With MIL, she had a gradual slope, like riding down a slight hill. (She was the absolute happiest dementia patient ever. Some stuff was funny, and yet I would feel guilty laughing. For example, she had always loved watching golf on tv, so often the tv was set to a golf game. But she no longer understood what was going on. She would point to the tv and say “look at that. That lovely grass growing”. She was literally…watching grass grow.)

My dad, on the other hand, he would be going along on one level, and it was like he mentally took a giant step down. Even one day to the next could be drastically different. ~~~~ He had also been very nasty. When I went to visit him one of the nurses commented on what a different man he was compared to a previous hospital stay when he was nasty. In his case, what we think happened was, two different doctors, neither a geriatric specialist, were prescribing meds for very different health issues, and the drugs caused a mental interaction. He was mean, nasty, verbally abusive….might have gotten physical, but he was unable. (The meds did NOT cause his dementia. It was one of the late symptoms of his illness.)

[richardandtracy]

Sorry, may have caught a sick bug from hospital or FIL. Not well at the moment. Will respond when I can.

Regards,

Richard.

[Mabel Figworthy]

Just what you needed - hope you feel better soon, both physically and for peace of mind!

[Serinde]

Richard, never apologise to us. I suspect the most frustrating thing on the forum is that none of us can properly help -- only offer advice from our own experiences. (My father was also a happy dementia patient -- just so long as he was able to do "his" jobs and be useful; his social inhibitors were certainly looser, but I don't recall tales of him being really difficult, apart from the time we tried to move him to a different facility. Well, that didn't last long!)

Roland, though, has a really important point: medications can and do clash. And don't forget the bad effects of low-level infection on the elderly. The number of older people I've known who have gone to hospital hallucinating and all sorts were sorted out amazingly quickly with antibiotics. Your FIL is challenging enough, but you both -- who know him at his cantankerous "normal" -- have registered that his behaviour is much worse. This really is off and worth checking.

We have, in the last 24 hrs mentioned our thoughts to him. The instant and inevitable response is - yep, you've guessed it - 'No' along with a storm of tears, denials that he's unwell followed by a plea 'What am I going to do? I can't do anything.'.

Heaven knows I'm no expert, but my immediate thought was that FIL is saying two related things: he knows he can't do anything much to look after himself (MIL having done all the heavy lifting), but he also is understanding that he has lost control of the situation and can't do anything much to change the trajectory into care. Loss of agency is horrible for anyone, and how you and Tracy are meant to cajole, persuade, induce him to consent is really a question for the experts. Surely this isn't a unique situation! (And that's what power of attorney is for, if you need to use it to help him and MIL.)

[wendywombat]

Sorry, may have caught a sick bug from hospital or FIL. Not well at the moment. Will respond when I can.

Regards,

Richard.

Oh Richard! As everyone says, don't apologise for venting here! It's less harmful than Thumping the wall which I think you must want to do in frustration and understandable anger.
I can't add anything more than what has already been said.
Take care of yourselves.

[rcperryls]

First, a problem shared is a problem halved, not doubled. I mean the problem remains the same, but it is spread thinner.

Richard, never apologize for sharing your trials and tribulations. We're friends beyond just stitching and we're here for you. Venting and sharing are good things.

Richard, never apologise to us. I suspect the most frustrating thing on the forum is that none of us can properly help -- only offer advice from our own experiences

Perfectly said so I will quote them as proof of what we are all saying.

My sister and stepmother believed my father was developing a dementia or Altzheimer's or senility as he was getting older. He did have multiple medical issues, but I believed that it was his immobility and boredom that were more to blame (they thought I was in denial and that may have been part of it), but one weekend when I relieved my stepmother so she could have time off and visit her daughter, I was able to really look at the medications he was on. They were from the internist, cardiologist, dermatologist and came from Walgreen's, the Veteran's Administration and some by mail from Canada. I took the whole lot to a pharmacist who was shocked. Some of them worked against each other, some were duplicates and no one was coordinating it. My step mom finally convinced him to see her family practitioner just to get a handle on them. It was crazy. Unfortunately, my father's medical problems got in the way, but I think his mind was getting a little clearer before he died.

Now you take time to take care of yourself and remember we are the safest place for you to vent and say whatever you need to.

Carole

[Mabel Figworthy]

Now you take time to take care of yourself and remember we are the safest place for you to vent and say whatever you need to.

What she said!

[Serinde]

Now you take time to take care of yourself and remember we are the safest place for you to vent and say whatever you need to.

What she said!

Absolutely. Possibly double for Tracy.

[Mabel Figworthy]

Oh dear - our little grandson Teddy has tested positive for Covid . Fortunately so far it's just a blocked nose and a few coughs, so hopefully it won't be any more than that.