Men

[Lizzieh]

Need a moan on here coz other half sees anything on facebook but wouldn't look on here.
As lots of you know I have had a long battle with cancer but have been recovering for over a year now. Have been having some niggling backache and saw my Gp this week. He promises me he is not overly worried but to be sure he is goinjg to do blood tests to rule out anything nasty going on. Most of the time I am fine about this but have my scared moments.,
Was being a bit negative today and my partner, instead of trying to reassure me said 'Oh yes. Don't forget you need to sort your will out.' (Made my will 2 days before my life saving surgery and have been meaning to alter it a bit now I'm expecting to make it further than a few days)
I was really upset and he just said as you are being so negative I thought I would be too. Needless to say we have not spoken since.
He has a habitof upsetting me just when I need extra support. Not looking forward to the next couple of weeks waiting for test results.

[rcperryls]

Moan here anytime you want. I think you do an amazing job of holding up under a stress I can hardly imagine. I get worried before normal blood tests and regular checkups so I can't imagine your anxiety. Which is soooooooo normal. Who wouldn't feel that. Perhaps your partner get deal with this kind of unknown and so turns negative rather than being supportive. Some people believe in pessimism so they aren't disappointed or upset when things don't go well. I tend to be optimistic (if it isn't about me) with others and though I sometimes get shot down, I think believing in the best is easier. I think you should take comfort in the Dr's statement that he isn't overly worried, but he wouldn't be doing his job if he didn't take the blood tests just to make sure. Maybe your partner thinks it would be better for you to use your energy being mad at him, rather than worrying about the tests? Come back and moan, complain, fret and worry as much as you need to. I'm sure we can help you get through the next few weeks. And keep stitching. That always helps me. If I'm also watching tv or listening to a book that is even better because I have two things to concentrate on. and that everything will be fine.

Carole

[karen4bells]

I totally agree with Carole. It's hard to imagine having to deal with what you are going through, but I'm glad that you came here to vent--you definitely need to do so and we are definitely here to support you. Sending loads of hugs and prayers your way!!

[Fizzbw]

Heya, as others said, moan here anytime. It's bloody scary after what you have been through. I very much hope it's nothing but I can understand how scary the next few weeks are going to be.

No-one can be positive ALL the time!! It's impossible. You might have to sit your husband down when you are both calm and explain to him that when you are upset and "negative" you need him to help and support you, not join in the negativity.

I know it's very hard when you are going through what you have and are, although thankfully I don't have cancer, but do have a long term illness, and I sometimes have to remind myself that my family are affected by this as well, and are as scared as I am of my operations, in fact, often more scared. I have discovered over the last 10 years, that the best way to get the support and attitude I need, is to tell them plainly and when I'm not emotional. it's hard to do, but it's worth it.

Biggest hugs

Niki xxx

[Solitaire]

Thinking of you, it's really horrible waiting for results, they seem to takes ages to come back.

Perhaps your partner is having trouble coping as well and his comments have come out as a negative response, as Fizz says, sit down and explain to him that his comments upset you, although mine always says the wrong thing, so I tend to ignore him now

Sending lots of hugs.

[backafteradozenyrs]

This sounds EXACTLY the way my dh acts! When he does it, I get sooooooo mad & he just can't fathom what upset me.

The best I have figured out for my dh is that this is his reaction when he feels TOTALLY LOST & OUT OF IT in the "helping me" dept. That is, whenever it's something that he can not possibly help me out with (besides the listening thing......i think that Y chromosome blocks listening) in the physical sense.

[Squirrel]

Liz you are an amazing person and how you cope with such a load is totally amazing and of course you feel let down by his comments. We are here for you at any time - and 24 hours a day too. So let it out on here any time.

For now from me and hang in there and do please keep stitching and posting - not necessarily in that order.

[Stitchinkitty]

Oh Liz.Men can be the most insensitive pieces of **** at times.Hang in there sweetie.

[geekishly]

Feel free to vent here any time. My step-mom has breast cancer and has been in remission for about a year now. My grandmother has breast cancer twice and then lived for about another 30 years. I'm not sure what sort of cancer you had, but it's quite possible for people in remission to live long lives even if they relapse. It was quite rude of your partner to say something of that sort when you're feeling down.

[Serinde]

Men. Entire books have been written on the subject, and still they are a mystery.

Like Solitaire, I wonder if he wasn't just feeling terrified and out of his depth. Guys will sometimes open their mouths only to insert their feet -- really, it's true, although I know it's hard to believe possible. Could it have been a sort of ironic joke that went terribly, terribly wrong?

Whatever it is, you two need to sit down Right Now and sort it out. Tempus is always fugitting and you know better than most that vita is too flipping brevis. Don't waste any!

Do let us know about the blood tests -- if you want to, of course.

[flosaxby]

One of my male friends said something to me just the other day. It was "If there are 2 ways to take what we (men) say and one of them makes you angry then we usually meant the other way!"

I think his point was that men don't put a lot of thought into the words that they use when communicating so even when they are trying to be helpful they end up putting their foot in it!

Maybe like others said your husband just doesn't know how to deal with this situation and has plumped for the one tangible thing that he thinks he can help with? Or maybe he's been meaning to mention it to you for a while and just picked a super-wrong time to bring it up?

I'm sure he didn't mean to make things worse for you.

Best of luck for the test results.

Flo

[wendywombat]

I can only echo everybody else here! to you!

Men are from Mars after all! They don't seem to be able to cope with illness..........................

UNLESS it's their own!!!

I read somewhere that A woman taking antibiotics for pneumonia is able to look after her man who's in bed with a cold!!!

Hang in there Girl and come here to get a Proper Sympathetic Response!

[Mystonique]

I have a habit of doing what your partner does (I'm a woman - with skirts and everything - but I have it on authority from more than one of my male friends that I behave like a man - one went so far as to tell me I should consider a sex change because I clearly got the wrong body).

It really isn't helpful to say stuff like your partner did, it's just such a difficult habit. Half the time I don't even know I've offended someone and then even when it's pointed out I don't get how it could have been offensive given that it was said light heartedly ...

I'm kind of making excuses for your partner here ... cause I'd have said something equally stupid.

[Lizzieh]

Thanks so much every body. Feeling better about stuff now and what you have all said is very wise. With my rational head on I know he doesn't intentionally hurt with things like this and I can see I must be a bit of a nightmare to live with.
What I have to remember is that he was by my hospital bed for five months and never complained once about the travelling and other stuff he was having to do and at the time I was so ill i think it was harder for him than for me as I din't know what was going on.
What makes it difficult is that the cancer I had has a 20% survival to 5 years and 15% to two. Bit scary but then someone has to make up those numbers and my surgoen seems to think I have a good chance of being one of them!
Anyway, blood test tomorrow, if they can get any out. Chemo really messes up the veins so they always have fun with me. Then I just have to wait for the results.

[rcperryls]

Keeping and and wishing you on the results. Glad you are feeling a bit better about things now. Come back and rant etc any time. What you are going through makes me realize how so many of my anxieties are not worth the time I put myself through worrying.

Carole

[Mabel Figworthy]

Hope the tests come out well, and that you and other half can sort this.

As others have said, when men sound as though they are deliberately setting out to hurt you, often they either just made a remark without thinking, or they feel helpless.

It took DH some time to realise that when I come to him with a care or wory or problem, I don't always expect him to solve it -- sometimes i don't even want him to try and solve it right away, i just want him to listen and say, yes I understand. He's getting there, after only seven years . But talking about it is key!

[wolfmom]

Thinking of you and hoping the tests come back with good news.
I have a hubby who grins whenever I'm telling him something is wrong or I'm upset. When I'm rational I take the mick out of him for it but when I'm upset he is the worlds worst. He did explain he was scared/ worried and that is his way.

Men are funny creatures

[mig-3]

I hope and pray everything comes out well. But, Mabel makes a good point. Since we're painting men with such a monstrously broad brush, it's often try and fix any problem presented by our SO, often with a move forward, do what has to be done attitude.

Jarvis

[Lizzieh]

Your very right Mabel. He's real fixer so can't understand that sometimes I just want a rant and some sympathy. He feels he has to do something to sort it and when he can't he gets frustrated and says the wrong things. I am going to be more understanding of him!